That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
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