I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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