you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
