I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
