Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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