hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
