My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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