can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
