is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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