Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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