I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
