I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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