What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
