she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
