Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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