I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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