Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
