Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
