can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
