Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
