Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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