My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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