Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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