my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
