Will you blow on my dice?
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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