I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
