youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
