the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
