you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dear god my vagina.
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