I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
