I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
