I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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