thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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