All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize