You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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