Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize