Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
