you're like a bully in the Christmas story
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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