I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
