It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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