In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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