that's an acceptable place to lick
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
