I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Randomize
