i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
