I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
