Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize