there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Less talking, more tequila
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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