i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
