mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
