So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
