1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
