She is in my trunk
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
