I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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