guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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