My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
