I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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