I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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