i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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