My room smells like vodka and shame
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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