Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
